[video]
[video]
Head Sex and the Emotional Affair (Therese J. Borchard) -
Believe it or not, extramarital “head sex” — the emotional bond formed with a secret lover of sorts — may be worse (at least for depression) than real sex outside a marriage, according to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth and creator of DearPeggy.com.
“Most people recover from the fact that their partner had sex with someone else before they recover from the fact that they were deceived,” says Vaughan. “An affair, in the final analysis, is more about ‘breaking trust’ than about ‘having sex.’”
A few years ago Vaughan took an online poll, asking readers: “If your partner had an affair, what would be more difficult to overcome: the deception, or that he/she had sex with someone else?” Almost three quarters of the men and women polled said deception.
Vaughan believes that secrecy is primarily what distinguishes a close friendship from an emotional affair.
For example, you’ve crossed the line if you are:
- Keeping the details of the relationship secret from your husband or wife
- Saying and doing things with your “friend” that you wouldn’t do if your partner were present
- Sharing things with the other person that you don’t share with your partner
- Making an effort to spend lots of time with your “friend”
“In most instances emotional affairs are just affairs that have not yet become sexual,” says Vaughan. “They either end or they escalate. So (as with any type of affair), it’s critical that all one-on-one contact with the third party be severed — before it escalates.”
Romantic friendships are especially dangerous for women because women typically invest much more of themselves into them than men. A woman may ache and suffer for years as she grapples with her relationship issues while her male counterpart considers the extra attention a mere bonus to his family life, says Vaughan. In other words, a female sees her soul mate; a man sees fun. And, according to Aaran Ben-Ze’ev, author of Love Online, it’s not uncommon for men to be conducting two or even four affairs at once.
Even innocent flirting with co-workers can hurt a marriage. “We only have so much emotional energy in life,” says M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist in Florida and author of Emotional Infidelity.
“By chatting and joking with your crush during the workday, that’s emotional energy you should be sharing with your partner, and it drains your marriage of the vitality it needs.”
I’m on my way
(via libraryland)
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
“Her unstartled gaze
Beads on him like a sniper’s sites, until
At the clean report of a cracking poplar branch,
She leaps away like luck, over rapid water,
And snowfall scrims the scene like a mist of tears,
Like a migraine, like sweat or blood streaming into your eyes.”
— A. E. Stallings, from “Epic Simile” (via the-final-sentence)
(Source: aubade, via libraryland)
“I know what’s going on inside me—I’m not a fool. But I don’t want to analyze it, I want to use it.” — Terry Gilliam (via austinkleon)
(via libraryland)
(via libraryland)
"Where do the Words Come From": Poet Felicity Plunkett on her inspirations -
“Odd things influence me – an offhand comment, a row of surgical instruments laid out, and music – there’s an essay in this, but I won’t write it here.”